"Infinity"

Book 119

Ruth 2:13 - 13. Then she said, Let me find favour in they sight, my LORD; for that thou hast comforted me, and for that thou hast spoken friendly unto thine handmaid thought I be not like unto one of thine handmaidens.

Job 6:10 - 10. Then should I yet have comfort; yea, I would harden myself in sorrow; let him not spare; for I have not concealed the words of the Holy One. 

       9:27 - 27. If I say, I will forget my complaint, I will leave off my heaviness, and comfort myself

       42: 11 - 11. Then came there unto him all is brethren, and all his sisters, and all they that had been of his acquaintance before, and did eat bread with him in his house; and they bemoaned him; every man also gave him a piece of money, and every one an earring of gold

Synopsis: I designed this post as personal, and there is no amount of sorry said that will bring my FATHER back to (family) us. The ultimate has happened, and in my post I take it as personal. 

He would of been 69 years old on February 19th and I've been thinking of him so much. I don't know what else to say right now, or how to totally deal with it! Maybe a whole lot of people really don't understand how much I really loved my FATHER, no matter what he did to me, or my family thought out the thirty plus years of our lives. I forgave my FATHER for his indiscretions. Maybe...if everyone put themselves in my shoes and realize how close I was to my FATHER; maybe even closer to sum it up.

I wish everyone will realize that there is not a day I don't think of him. "I was basically a daddy's girl." It's hard to fathom sometimes, when I thought  I could finally put my FATHER to rest and out of my mind. But...there came a time when there is a good memory within my heart that keeps me smiling consistently; and then...there are bad memories that still make me weak and totally angry. I try to erase those bad memories out of my mind, but there is no use for that, no matter how much I try.

When my FATHER said to my face on his death bed, "She's killing me!" That thought will never go away for infinity. Its embedded in my mind and in my heart and soul for infinity. My Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome I suffered and diagnosed with keeps coming back when I think of doing something crazy to make my ex aunt Minnie Lou pay for what she did to my FATHER...and then I start to think of GOD and his son JESUS is good all the time.

I really need my pilots to help me seriously with my heart; help me with my mind, my body and especially my soul. I need GOD and his son JESUS to bring me comfort and understanding of why my FATHER'S death took a toll on my life and my heart. I also need my pilots to help not to think evil thoughts of Minnie Lou. I try to live for the present (today) because tomorrow isn't promised to me, or anyone on this earth. All I could do and say is that I'm trying so hard to deal with my FATHER'S death the best way I can.

But...I know that the hurt will never go away, no matter how much I want it to go away. All I can do is to try and deal with my FATHER'S death the best way I can. That's all I can do! I miss my POPSKI very much. "My GOD and his son JESUS, I miss him so much. There will be a time in my life, I will have some good days, and there are times I will have some bad days. Nonetheless...I will try to focus on the good days to bring me through the tragedy I suffer, and still suffer to this day, for nearly three years. GOD and his son JESUS is good all the time.