Thoughts Of A Gentle Woman

 Book 201

1 Peter 3:9 - 9. Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing; but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

Sherri went down to our M O T H E R S grave to check on things, and to see if anything was disturbed on the grave. So far so good, nothing was disturbed on the grave. Everything was intacted! I was truly glad of that. I wish that my sister would of let me know when she was going to our M O T H E R S grave. I would of liked to visit too. But...her visit put me into thought about the solar light that she ordered for our M O T H E R. Maybe that's why Sherri went out there, because personally, you couldn't get Sherri to go out to our M O T H E R S grave for anything, because of her thinking about her all the time without a break.

Lorenzo told me that Sherri took it rough out there while on their visit to M O T H E R S grave. As much as I think of the memories we shared with my M O T H E R, I don't think it would get any easier for us when it comes to the grieving process. Then, I think about Sherri and what she must be going through living so close to graveyard, and knowing that our M O T H E R is buried out there. She want her husband Lorenzo to move her away from being near the graveyard, even though she's almost quarter of a mile away from it. Sherri told me once that she would never be straight from our M O T H E R dying like she did with no one around her because of the pandemic back in 2020. 

I guess being as close as she is to the graveyard, I can truly understand why she feel the way she do about living so close. It has been hard on all of us as a very small version of our immediate family. Sherri, Wesley Jr. and I are all we have from our immediate family. I still wished that Sherri would of told me that she was visiting our M O T H E R. I wanted to go as long as someone was near, because I still can't go out into the graveyard on my own right now. I am so glad that everything was intact. Nothing was disturbed on my M O T H E R S grave and I am happy about that. 

What A Blessing To Receive In A Walker

 Book 200 - Special Edition Post - I thank you JESUS for my 200th Post

Ephesians 1:3 - 3. Blessed be the GOD and Father of our LORD Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly place in Christ.

Wow! I am so thankful to my LORD JESUS Christ for blessing me with a not new, but a used walker. I was just thinking about a walker on my way back home to the shelter I stay in for now until I get me and my son Zachary a place to stay. I could not believe what I saw in the door way of the shelter. There were three walkers and I have already chosen on of the walkers that would support my back most of all. It was like this particular walker was waiting on me to grab it just like the one in the picture above. I praised JESUS for the walker that was made for me, since I forgot my cane at my sister Sherri and brother in law Lorenzo's house. 

I feel my M O T H E R would of been proud to see a nice walker like the one I now own. I have been thinking of my M O T H E R a lot lately, my F A T H E R included. It's not a day I don't think about the both of them. My F A T H E R would of been proud to see the walker I have as well. I am going to practice folding it up and placing it inside my car for security. I can't wait to show my sister that fine walker with back support. 

It was just what I needed to be secure and comfortable. M O T H E R...F A T H E R, if there was anything in the world like the walker I have, I would of given it to either parent. The one that need it the most! Thank you JESUS for my fine used walker. I got it cleaned up and ready to go for it's first run.  

Thinking About M O T H E R S Day Blues

 Book 199

John 16:22 - 22. And ye now therefore have sorrow; but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you

 

It is still fresh in our hearts, our M O T H E R S death. Grief has no season according to our reality when it comes to our M O T H E R. Sherri, Wesley Jr. and I long for our M O T H E R each day of our lives, never letting go of her is a hard thing to do right at this very moment I...myself...think of her without a break. I remember when I spoke to my brother just a few days ago. His whole conversation was about our M O T H E R. He said, "She just came across my mind all of a sudden, and it hit me very heart to the point I started crying." I never thought till this day I would hear my brother cry, being the man that he is. Our M O T H E R S death broke him down to a breaking point, missing her was totally a precious moment in all of our lives. 

My brother did not want to tell our Sherri about his break down being that she was epileptic. Our conversations was between Wesley and I. We were having a M O T H E R S day blues just shy of M O T H E R S Day. None of us could go out to our M O T H E R S grave, because it was too painful for us to visit her, knowing that she was no longer with us in our hearts, but in spirit. Sherri, Wesley Jr. and I pray about it from time to time, and maybe our grief will come a little bit more easy for us to bare. Like I always say, "Grief doesn't have a time limit" and I felt this hurt will always be with us the rest of our lives. 

We know that we are not the only ones experiencing a death in the family. But...prayer changes everything in its place. Sherri, Wesley Jr. and I will manage our grief one day at a time. 

When You Know You're Talked About

 Book 197

Acts 26:31 - 31. And when they were gone aside, they talked between themselves, saying, This man doeth nothing worthy of death, or of bonds.

Mark 3:5 -  5. And when he looked round about them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other.

Romans 10:3 - 3. For they being ignorant pf GOD's righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness., have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of  GOD.

Romans 3:23 - 23. For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of GOD.

No one can put nothing pass me If I know I'm being talked about. I am there in my head! But...you know what, "Sticks and stones, might break my bones, but...names will never hurt me in a flash." And...I do mean that from the heart. I do know that there is "one culprit" who's fueling it all to get everyone against me. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day after that. I am passed it with the abundance of common sense, and no one will take that away from me.

I gained that common sense from GOD and his son JESUS to know, and to see between every line that is shared and posted about me on social sites. "I'm not stupid by a long shot!" I know what I see without hearing about it word of mouth, and I am also tired of my M O T H E R S name used as a cop-out from their indiscretions. I am done with the people who are being stupid about things that don't make no sense when I'm not doing anything to them. Their indiscretions will send them to "Hell" if they don't stop doing what their doing. And...to say this, "The one culprit who is fueling the indiscretion, will send their offspring to Hell as well, if they don't stop using what was told to them against me."

This is why I let God and his son JESUS have it, because...I don't have time for nonsense, and people like the culprit, and the offspring to bring me down, and using my M O T H E R...once again as a cop-out. But let me tell about the offspring. The offspring acts as though it hurts to say, "Hello, or talk to about anything they want to talk to me about it." That's not right! To the culprit who is fueling these indiscretions to the offspring, "Woe beyond to them with a passion, if they're feeding the offspring indiscretions that makes no sense to place on their table, because...it's not only hurting them, but...it's hurting the offspring in this fiasco that will send both of them to Hell."

This is why I am telling it straight from my heart, because...I am tired of the offspring treating me like I am poison, and I am not there in presents in their eyes. I am tired of being ignored in the heart of the offspring. "I am also tired of the eye rolls too!" I am tired of the culprit using my M O T H E R as a cop-out for every sentence from their mouth every time I look around. 

Not Living In Persecution

 Book 195

Exodus 20:2-17 2. I am the LORD thy GOD, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. 3. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. 4. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy GOD am a jealous GOD, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; 6. And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. 7. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy GOD in vein; for the LORD will not hold the guiltless that taketh his name in vain. 8. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. 9. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: 10. But the seventh day is the sabbath of the lord god: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: 11. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and the rested seventh day: where for the LORD bless the sabbath day, and hallowed it. 12. Honour thy Father and thy Mother: that thy days be long upon the earth which the LORD thy GOD giveth thee. 13. Thou shalt not kill. 14. Thou shalt not commit adultery. 15. Thou shalt not steal. 16. Thou shalt not bear false witness against they neighbor. 17. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox l, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is against me for no reason, nor did I give them a reason to be so judgemental against me. Even though my siblings, nephews, and especially my niece are on the outside; and trying to look inside my thoughts, and they have no clue about what's going on with me, or how I feel about things, or know the flavor of my Kool Aid. My issue run deeper than an open wound, and it seems like everyone loves to pick at it like the center of a nucleus. I am not trying judge anyone in my family, but it's the way I feel sometimes when I feel everyone trying to nit pick an argument up for no reason, and I haven't cause any haste, nor done anything to no one,  and I am truly convinced. Anytime I feel the way I feel when I think my family trying to get me frustrated, especially my sister Sherri, only to start a argument with me, I start to pray. 

And then...I think of my M O T H E R when these provocative occurrences of anger my family is trying to inflict on me for no reason what so ever. I remember times when I did my M O T H E R wrong out of haste. I wasn't a perfect child to her, and I don't bite my tongue when I tell the truth about it.  No one is perfect in their sense of character. I did apologize to my M O T H E R the day she went to glory. 

But...I'm still reaping the consequences and the repercussions for my indiscretions and actions against my M O T H E R. Then I think of the book of Exodus 20:12, "Honour thy Father and thy Mother: that thy days may be long upon the earth which the LORD thy GOD giveth thee." The bible is fulfilling itself at its entirety. I know what I had to go through, and pray about, before I could receive fully salvation, and be forgiven for my sins, and my sins against my M O T H E R. Back to my family! All I ever wanted from my family, was to fit somewhere in the equation, and like a missing piece of a puzzle.

If I did anything wrong to anyone, I would to tell my family: I am truly sorry in the name of JESUS, my LORD. My pilots know I do not want any more haste with my family, nor with anyone else. I made my peace with my M O T H E R before she went to glory, and I know she forgave me a long time ago. I just want to live holy; laugh with my family every chance I get, and love my family for every second of every minute I live on this earth. "That's my destiny in a way life that we all should be living in the mist of GOD and his son JESUS."

What Is To Be Lonely In The Hospital

 Book 193 

John 8:16 - 16. And yet if I judge, my judgement is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me.

I am informing everyone about my stay in the hospital 🏨 so that I can so I can basically get some kind of rest 🛌 and relaxation, besides catching bronchitis 😪👃👄👅 While I am recuperating from bronchitis, I am going to write about my feelings that I am experiencing 😐 I am really thinking about my M O T H E R and how she felt after her major stroke, and how she came through it was a true blessing 🙏🏾 What I am trying to say is about how she felt being alone for approximately two months after she was admitted to the hospital 🏨 during the the time 🕛 when COVID 19 was so bad during the early part of 2020 four months before her death 💀  I was starting to feel just like she felt 😢 alone and abandoned 😣 Now I know the feeling when family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 can't come to visit 🕥  

Only one person can come to visit me, mask included 😷 No other family member can visit 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 This is the rules that the hospital 🏨 set to keep everyone safe, even if everyone who has gotten vassenated 💉for COVID19 Virus 💀 M O T H E R was alone throughout her stay in the hospital 🏨 No one could visit her at all, because of the effectiness and the extent of the COVID19 virus during the early part of 2020 💀 So I can imagine my M O T H E R feeling alone and succluded from her family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

This is the way I feel, and it doesn't feel good at all 😣 I really miss my family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 even though, it's only been only three days since I have been hospitalized 🏨 I hope I never feel the fate of being alone again, because it's a bad feeling to feel when you don't have your family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 near you for support 👩‍❤️‍👨 and during the time 🕥 when you're down and out; like my M O T H E R was 😣 Only the hospital staff became her makeshift family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 a little before she before she died in their presence 💀 I still could not get close to my M O T H E R even though when I was finally allowed by the hospital 🏨 to see her just before the doctors and nurses removed her from life support 💀 

I am waiting to be discharged from the hospital 🏨 even though my M O T H E R didn't get that opportunity to be discharged from the hospital 🏨 I am blessed 🙏🏾 to have the opportunity to go home 🏡 to recuperate there 😃 I feel that my M O T H E R really didn't die 💀 alone, but with the presence of Christ, my LORD 🙏🏾 she wasn't alone, and she was at peace ✌🙌 I feel good about that 😊

Broken With Sentimental Value

 Book 191 - Special Edition Post 

Psalms 147:3 - 3. He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

How can anyone break something so "Sentimental" to us? This was a heart that wasn't meant to be broken for 8 years past its expiration date. Then you have someone at the cemetery where my M O T H E R is buried, brake what was sentimental and precious to me and the rest the family. "What does it take for someone to care about someone's property?" Maybe so...that one day, someone will care about the dead in GOD and his son JESUS, and the family who gave great thought in placing a "heart" that was beautifully engraved with the most beautiful name in the world to me, Ruth Ann Brunson. 

I was so hurt when I saw my M O T H E R S broken heart solar light when my brother in law Lorenzo brought from the cemetery. I got to admit, I was pretty upset with the cemetery grounds keeper for breaking my M O T H E R S heart solar light. He said, "That there was to be nothing stuck in the grounds of the cemetery as he mowed the ground" and common sense would of told him to pick up the solar and place it on top of my M O T H E R S vault; my family and I would of understood more without all the animosity that came with broken hearts that crumbled into reality. My family and I can't fix what was broken, or its past that was so sentimental to us. We are owed an explanation and that's all that there was to it. 

My brother Wesley suggested that he would have a talk with the cemetery grounds keeper about my M O T H E R S broken heart solar light. I gave in my two cents to sum of the cause for Wesley to relay the message. I don't mean to be upset with the cemetery grounds keeper, but...I had a reason to be with every ounce in my body, heart and soul without tooT my haste. I questioned the thought. I said...and I quote, "What if...and I meant what if someone were to brake something that was sentimental to him?" 

Should this man cry wolf? I thought not! Because...when it came to our property value of my M O T H E R S broken heart solar light, I think that the cemetery grounds keeper should pay my family and I for our grief by saying "sorry" for the inconvenience, because... GOD know he wasn't going to pay us back for what broken in the base of our minds and in our hearts. My M O T H E R S solar hear can be replaced, but...my family I chose not too for its expensive, just it case it gets broken again. We did not want that fate on our conscience again with haste. All we want is peaceful beginnings as we move on with our lives as we see fit. 

I Am A Day Dreamer

 Book 190

I am a day dreamer; I am a dreamer of GOD and his son JESUS. I am a day dreamer when comes to my M O T H E R. I miss the ole girlfriends with all of my heart. She still fresh in my mind, in my heart, my soul, as I am part of her body she bore. My M O T H E R is in the hands of GOD and his son JESUS. She is without pain; she is not crying out of pain; no more dialysis for her to cleanse her blood. 

My M O T H E R is smiling with joy, nothing else in this this lifetime will make her sad with despair. She is living life in Heaven grand and Heaven I do worry to much about my M O T H E R, because I know that she is in perfect hands. My only problem is that I can't remove the thoughts of her presents here on earth. I would want her to return to despair, because her life is better where she is. My M O T H E R is living inside me through day dreams that keeps repeating day in and day out. 

She is hard to forget, because of the amount of love I still have for her. Memories from this "Legend of Love" will never faulter my mind, because she will always live in my heart strongly and boldly without an ounce of despair interfering with my thoughts of my M O T H E R. She is a legend of love by her own accord, because she touched so many lives every where she turned. A 360 degree circumference; she completes one full circle of her lifetime. It is now complete. 

My M O T H E R S journey is complete upon this earth. She earned her wings of faith, of love, and endurance. I can't touch that until I make it to Heaven. I am working on my life so that I see my M O T H E R again beyond this lifetime. 🕊 M O T H E R...rest well in the hands of GOD and his son JESUS, and of the kingdom of Heaven, where she will spend eternity. 🕊

A Real Family Coffee Cup Discussion

 Book 189

Luke 12:51 - 53 -  51. Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay, but rather division. 52. For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. 53. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 

When you deal with the deception of certain family members, your whole gets turned upside down and inside out without a care in the world. My immediate family found that fate after the death of my F A T H E R. When it came to my M O T H E R, I know what deception was when she died and hardly no one from my extended family bothered to show up at her funeral. If ever a time when I needed to have real family members there, I would of been totally accommodated. What was left of my immediate family was my sister, my brother, and myself.

Hardly no one from our extended family gave my sister Sherri, my brother Wesley, and myself the courtesy to even show us some kind of sympathy to at least show up at our M O T H E R S funeral. "What was up with that?" Love for my sister, brother, and I was just a mystery in a maze that I didn't want to find my way through. Every door I came up to...was a door of uncertainty on the other the other side of it. There was no love for my M O T H E R Ruth, even with her death.

The full emptiness of the short presents of people at my M O T H E R S funeral, showed me how important Sherri, Wesley, and I really were to our extended family. We thank GOD and his son JESUS for the few extended family and friends we did have at our M O T H E R S graveside service. It goes to show who "family" really is. No coffee cup discussions necessary for those extended family members who didn't even bother to show up at my M O T H E R S funeral.

With this said, no coffee cup discussion is worth the hassle when you have people (extended family members) who really love you. That's fine if my M O T H E R S graveside service did have many people to come and pay their last respects to her. Our memories will always extend from the sky to the horizon for my M O T H E R. So "Rest up ole girl" because we love you forever and always. 

A Legend Of Love Always

 Book 188 - Special Edition Post

Proverbs 31:10 - 31 10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. 13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. 14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. 15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. 17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. 19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. 20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. 22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. 24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. 25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

This is one instance since I see myself in the shade of light. I continue to see my M O T H E R in spirit; I think of here in a constant nutshell. I hear her voice with every since of my hearing. She sounds like an angel flying around me while she watches over me day in and day out. I still can't fathom her gone away from me; immortal presents still get me every time I consistently think of her without every heartbreak I experience when I can see her, if it's just for one minute to every microsecond. 

M O T H E R...I miss you with everything I have in the world. Sherri and I can't seem to get you out of our minds no matter what we do. We look down the end of the road where she is buried and we think of her there laying in a coffin in silence without a word from her mortal body. We only see her in our hearts, minds, and our souls, if only we can have a chance to see her once again. Only GOD and his son JESUS will comfort our hearts with the thought of missing her and not being able to talk to her when we want to talk to her and carry on conversations with her.

Sherri and I are seeing psychologists to try and overcome our hurt and our broken hearts from our M O T H E R S death. I don't think anyone who haven't gone through losing a love one can understand what Sherri and I go through every single day without her presents. Not being able to talk to her, or being able to laugh with her, whenever we take a notion to. Our M O T H E R was all we had in the world. But...we know that she is in Heaven smiling down on us, including our brother Wesley who experiences everything we are going through day in and day out. 

I have never for sure seen my brother cry, but...when my sister in law Neyome conversed with me one day about my brother's hurt over our M O T H E R dying. She told me and Sherri, "It wasn't a pretty sight when she observed his hurt as loud as a person would scream out bloody murder." Neyome told us that our brother cried that entire day without a break. I for one could not bare to see that with my own eyes. It would kill me to my heart to see my brother cry out like he did. 

Now everyone can understand what a wonderful woman my M O T H E R were as a Legend of Love. She lived three score and ten years over. To me...that's a lot of living and a lifetime of memories to have of my M O T H E R. It was and is a blessing to have. 

The Wisdom Of Zachary

 Book 187 - Special Edition Post From Zachary To Me

Job 28:12-28 - 12. But where shall wisdom be found/? And where is the place of understanding? 13, Man knoweth not the price thereof; neither is it found in the land of the living. 14, The depth saith, it is not in me; and the sea saith, it is not with me. 15. It cannot be gotten for gold, neither shall silver be weighted for thereof. 16. It cannot be valued with the gold of Ophir, with the precious onyx, or the sapphire. 17. The gold and the crystal cannot equal it. and the exchange of it shall not be for jewels of the gold. 18. No mention shall b made of coral, or of pearls for the price of wisdom is above rubies. 19. The topaz of Ethiopia shall not equal it, neither shall it be valued with pure gold. 20. Whence then cometh wisdom? And where is the place of understanding? 21. Seeing it is hid from the eyes of all living, and kept close from the fowls of the air. 22. Destruction and death say, we have heard the fame thereof with our ears. 23. GOD understandeth the way thereof, and he knoweth the place thereof. 24. For he looketh to the ends of the earth, and seeth under the whole heaven. 25. To make the weight for the winds, and he weigheth the waters by measure. 26. When he made a decree for the rain, and a way for the lighting of the thunder. 27. Then did he see it, and declare it, he prepared it, yea, and searched it out. 28. And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the LORD, that is wisdom, and to depart from evil is understanding.

 

I never thought I will hear wisdom by its character until I heard it from my son Zachary on this day April 3, 2021. I was having a terrible and an extreme bad patch about my M O T H E R. I was in shambles, not knowing what I was going to do without my M O T H E R in my presents. I cried out to my M O T H E R in a hurtful and painful cry, because I miss her so much. How my son's wisdom to acknowledge what he addressed to me started when my twin sister Sherri had told me what I had not expected her to say. 

She told me of the times our M O T H E R would just lay on her, not knowing that she was sick and fatigued from being sick, kind of struck a nerve in me almost immediately thinking that she was just fatigue, when in fact she was really sick. I cried for a brief moment thinking about the time our M O T H E R had also layed on my shoulder not knowing she was sick. It took all the strength out of me at that particular moment. I could not do anything else. I was stuck in that moment of grief knowing what I didn't know that my M O T H E R had suffered a sickness beyond the fact of her diabetes, her renal failure, and other things that was going on with her. 

I told my sister that I had to leave, because...I did not want to cry in front of her. I got up after Zachary had left out of my brother-in-law's mother's house to join him out in our car. I started to cried out for my M O T H E R in a rage, not out of anger, but...with a strong hurt in my heart, because of the thought of my M O T H E R laying on my shoulder, because...she was in fact sick, and that I miss my her so much knowing what I know now. Then all of a sudden...wisdom showed its face in a heartbeat through my son Zachary. What he said to me left me to only think twice about my grief for my M O T H E R. Here is what he told me! He told me this: "Mom...your M O T H E R is not hurting anymore and that she's not at the end of the road in just a grave, but...she is in the present of GOD and his son JESUS. My grandmother isn't hurting anymore. She would not want you to be grieving for her. She want you to celebrate her life as she lived it. Your M O T H E R had a mission on this earth like the rest of us. Her mission to live for the LORD is done and she was called home to GOD and his son JESUS. We too are not here for the long hall, we are here until our number is called. We are not here to stay." I was totally in shock of how much Zachary paid attention to thing I didn't know he was paying attention to.

Zachary gave me an ear full and then some about life. This 14 year old so full of wisdom to tell me what he told me is totally phenomenal. "I have a gift in Zachary!" A kid with Autism. I am never going to forget the awesomeness of his wisdom to me. 

I stopped crying immediately, and celebrated my M O T H E R S life when she was on this earth. It was like a reality check that my son had given me to think about. I will never doubt my son about what he knows about Christ our LORD, and his father, GOD. Zachary gave me an ear full and then some. All I could do is smile and accept what my 14 year old son had told me was nothing but the truth. 

I am never going to forget how wisdom got the best of my son in a awesome was to acknowledge. I am in celebration of my M O T H E R S life, even though...there will be some days that I will in fact cry out for my M O T H E R. And when I do, I am going think about the wise wisdom my son Zachary shared with me. It's a reality check from son to think about. I am very proud of him!

Ruth's Legacy Of Love Continues On In Spirit

 Book 183 - Special Edition Post

Ruth 4:11 - 11. And all the people that were in the gate, and the elders said, "We are the witnesses". The LORD make the woman that is come into thine house like Rachel and Leah. Which two did build the house of Israel and do thou worthily in Ephrata, and be famous in Bethlehem.

Psalms 78:4 - 4. We will not hide them from our children, she sing to the generation to come the praised of the LORD, and his strength, and his wonderful works that he hath done. 

Psalms 145:4 - One generation shall praise the works to another, and shall declare they acts.

I got some wonderful news to tell my viewers and posters. I happy to announce that my niece Octavia company is now official. She named her 18 wheeler truck after my M O T H E R. It is called, "Ruth's Legacy Trucking, LLC." That give a nice ring to the most beautiful name in the whole world. 

I cried when I saw my M O T H E R S picture, the day she was born (Alpha) and the day she died (Omega) and then Ruth's Legacy Trucking, LLC on my nieces truck. My sister Sherri and I did not expect to see nothing but the name Ruth's Legacy Trucking, LLC, that's it! All that I knew that it made me cry tears of joy. Octavia travels with my M O T H E R in spirit. It's like my M O T H E R journeying in time, but...in spirit.

I am proud of Octavia for everything she does when she drive her truck around the country in memory of my M O T H E R. So beautiful! 

Christmastime Memories Of My Parents

 Book 179

Isaiah 7:14 - 14. Therefore the LORD give you a sign; Behold A virgin shall conceive, and bear A son, and shall call his name Immanuel

Luke 2:11 - 11. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, A Saviour, which is Christ the LORD. 

My twin sister Sherri and I decided to decorate two small Christmas trees for each parent so that we can take them to their grave sites. There were also two identical vases to put on the bases of their tombstones. Sherri and I both dread going out to our parents grave sites, because it was too painful for us to fathom their deaths to reality. It was especially hard us bare that reality. Time must move on with only the memories we will carry of our F A T H E R and M O T H E R.

The small Christmas was decorated and ready to be placed on each of our parents grave sites. Yet, we were still dreading that moment when we would actually have to go out to the grave sites and place both small Christmas trees and their vases. My brother-in-law Lorenzo decided to come along for the ride for support. Since we were more close to the grave site of my M O T H E R S, Lorenzo, Sherri, my son Zachary, my great nephews Christian and Justin Jr. went to my M O T H E R S grave site first. Sherri and I was totally emotional as we headed towards the graveyard to our M O T H E R S eternal resting place. 

All of a sudden, Sherri and I cried out when we came upon and looked over at our M O T H E R S grave site. With our eyes so full of tear drops, my brother-in-law Lorenzo drove up beside our M O T H E R S grave, and Sherri and I got out of the SUV on the passenger side where our M O T H E R grave site was located. Sherri and I was so shaken up with grief, we stood there crying out for our M O T H E R and calling out to her. It took us less than two minutes tops to do what we came out to our M O T H E R S grave site for. Afterwards, we began placing our M O T H E R S heart shaped solar light on the right side of her tombstone facing us, and then place the Christmas tree on top of her vault. Sherri and I had to anchor it to keep it in place in case of a windy day. 

The other flowers that were there we place on each side of our M O T H E R S vault so that the small Christmas tree would stand out. The vase of flowers we placed on top of her vase, praying that a strong wind will not blow it off. After Sherri and I were finished placing the vase and the small Christmas tree, we took so pictures of our M O T H E R S grave decorated full from our hearts and souls. We stood there starring with our eyes full of tear drops once again until we loaded up the SUV. It was on to my F A T H E R S grave site.

Another emotional vendetta Sherri and I had to deal with. Our eyes continued to be filled with our tear drops as we went...I'll say over 5 to 6 miles to my F A T H E R S grave site to place his small Christmas tree and flower vase onto his tombstone. As Lorenzo, Sherri, my son Zachary, Christian, and Justin Jr. arrived at the grave site of my F A T H E R, Sherri, the boys, and I got out on the passenger side of the SUV; walked around and proceeded to my F A T H E R S grave site. Sherri had to tear the base part of the small Christmas tree apart, because we could not place the tree on the ground due to the graveyard was  privately owned and it's grounds keepers try and keep the graveyard cleaned. So, with that said, Sherri could not place our F A T H E R S solar light in the ground in front of his tombstone. After Sherri took off the base of the Christmas tree, I put the tree into our F A T H E R S vase so tightly that the wind could not blow it out of the vase, as though we were hoping that wind would not blow the Christmas tree out of its vase. 

We then place my F A T H E R S small flower vase on the base of the tombstone, hoping that will not blow off from a strong wind. It was heavy enough to withstand a strong dose of wind. Our decoration of our parents graves were completed. Sherri and I started taking pictures of our F A T H E R S decorated tombstone. We stood for minutes looking at our work and thinking of our F A T H E R, before Sherri, the boys and I got into the SUV to depart the graveyard. 

Our duties when it came to our parent was done. Sherri and I was still full of emotions that our parents will not be with us for Christmas, but...will remain in our spirit and our hearts. We will have nothing but awesome memories of our parents. F A T H E R and M O T H E R can now rest during their Heavenly holiday. 

Healing A Bad Patch

 Book 178

Malachi 4:2 - 2. But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings; and he shall go forth ANF grow up as calves of the stall.

Luke 9:11 - 11. And the people when they knew it, followed him: and he received them, and spend unto them of the Kingdom of GOD, and healed them that had need of healing.

1 Corinthians 12:9 - 9. To another faith the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit.

As usual on a Monday evening when I go out to my son Zachary football practice to watch him practice until he was finished practicing. While I sat there watching my son, my mind was in thought of my M O T H E R...only a brief moment. I remember a time when she sat in the exact spot where I was sitting, just watching her grandson practice and enjoying herself. It's hard sometimes not having my M O T H E R in my presents, or to the point where I could talk to her in person. I know GOD and his son JESUS took her home to be with them, but...sometimes I feel that I am totally alone without a care in the world for me to fathom that I exist. 

That's the way I feel sometimes, like I am not there in reality. On a Monday, I was in Wal-Mart Christmas shopping when I saw a woman on a motor car inside the store. With the strain of my eyes, I thought I saw my M O T H E R on that motor car riding towards me. For a minute my mind was out of reality of the fact that my M O T H E R was dead. I started riding towards this woman with a smile on my face, then I came to reality when I understood that the woman was not in fact my M O T H E R. My M O T H E R in reality was deceased. 

I immediately started crying out so loud until this man and woman came towards me like they wanted to console me. They asked was I alright. I told them I will be alright. I told them that,  I'll be fine. Two days later, the though of my M O T H E R that Monday evening stayed with me after seeing that woman in Wal-Mart. On Thursday I had a really bad patch about my M O T H E R. She was totally on my mind. I remember when I got into an argument with her over certain things; minor things that didn't make no sense to me.

I found that after my M O T H E R died, I never got the chance to apologize to her, or tell her that I loved her with all of my heart. That fate ate away with me, and I cry to the point that my blood pressure rises. I have been living with the guilt of that for quite sometime, until my brother Wesley and my sister-in-law Neyome invited me come and join their church. I joined and I got Baptised so that my sins can be washed away. And then...Wesley explained to me about my baptism. When you are baptized under GOD, all of your sin are washed away, including my guilt of not apologize to my M O T H E R when I had the chance. 

I now feel better about my indiscretions when it came to my apology to my M O T H E R. My LORD had already forgiven my sin. I feel that a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I now see that my M O T H E R can now rest in peace. I feel much better where I am. I find myself a Christian for GOD and his son JESUS. 

It feels good to be where I need to be and worship with people are warm and loving towards me, no matter what color you are. I am proud to be a part of the congregation for Christ our LORD. The memories of my M O T H E R will stay with me for the rest of my life. I can tell here, " I love her" anytime, even though she has gone home to glory where she will never suffer pain, or the pain of her dialysis; she will never cry again about anything. My M O T H E R is happy living with the LORD, and I am happy about that.

Just Reminiscing Life

 Book 176

Genesis 19:17 - 17. And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for they life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain lest thou be consumed. 

Genesis 45:5 - 5. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither; for GOD did send me before you to preserve life. 

Maybe I should stop talking about my M O T H E R for a while, because I like to keep a non grieving head on my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, but...everyone has a right to grieve for their loved ones. It is just I get so tired of crying my eyes out each and everyday. Yes, I do miss my M O T H E R very much; just as much as I miss my F A T H E R. I am trying to find something else to talk about here on this blog of mines.

Let's see...what to say? Perhaps, let me talk about why I am still up so late in the wee hours of the morning? I answer is obvious! My insomnia is acting up! Most of the times I cannot sleep, especially with the anxiety attacks I have to the point I awake out of my sleep and I cannot breathe sometimes. 

I have to take deep breathes to regain consciousness; and I find myself blessed to have received my consciousness required by GOD and his son JESUS. Thank GOD and his son JESUS I took my meds. Sometimes I miss taking my meds and I find myself not thinking about the importance in taking my meds. GOD and his son JESUS show me that I need to take better care of myself and balance my diabetes, so that my A1C's can resume a 6 or 7 on the charts and those are the best readings. Sometimes I do think of my M O T H E R and how she kept herself up with her diabetes and other underline issues she had just before she had her stroke unto her death. 

I am so thankful to GOD and his son JESUS for giving me that chance to live, but...I need to take better care of myself, so that I don't end killing myself. GOD and his son JESUS is good all the time. I am going to work on myself and get better with my diabetes. I think I am going to make this post short and I think I will get ready and prepare myself for bed, because...I am a bit tired and sleepy. I had to talk about myself and not so much about my M O T H E R and F A T H E R, even though I miss them very much.

My Real Live Presentation

 Book 175

Hebrews 11:1- 1. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:6 - 6. But without faith it is impossible to please him for he that cometh to GOD must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.  

2 Corinthians 5:7 - 7. For we walk by faith, not by sight

I an getting ready for a presentation for my live "Reality Talk" v-log within a week. I feel that doing this live v-log presentation will help contribute and cope with the death of my M O T H E R and F A T H E R in a way I could feel better about them not being here on this earth. My Reality Talk live v-log presentation will be present on Facebook on November 8, 2020. In my live presentation, the topic: "What it is Like to be Different from the People you Love?" Since I will be asking my remaining immediate family members that question, I would like to know their input and how they feel about being different from our immediate family members and others alike. I hoping that my live presentation will inspire everyone who listens to it.

I have so much to say; so much to vent out when it comes to my F A T H E R especially, and my M O T H E R in the process. I would like to get the meat of this deal out in the open, just maybe, it would interest most of my viewer, or maybe, some of my viewers, it's depending on who will view my Reality Talk v-log. I am praying for a huge audience when that day comes. I feel very blessed to have my twin sister Sherri and my sister-in-law Neyome part of my upcoming presentation of "What it is Like to be Different from the People you Love." I am very excited about it! 

Sherri came over to her daughter's apartment in which I am resident to talk about our live v-log debut. She wanted to confirm our event and I was totally game. We talked about our "Reality Talk" v-log for just a brief moment before we went into another that was most important to us. We talked about how much my live presentation would help us cope with our M O T H E R S and F A T H E R S death and to help us to move on with our lives with only memories to back up what we had with our parents before their deaths. Sherri stayed only a hour with me, my son Zachary until my nephew Chris showed up after dropping his daughter off with her grandmother in Tampa. I enjoyed every minute of the time she spent with me and Zachary. I always do! 

Sherri left with her granddaughter Ta'Neisha. Zachary and I decided to continue to look at Cold Case. I really like that Television show. The network ROKL wants to take it out of their list of television shows and movies and I can't understand why when I love a specific television show, it is ripped from my imagination? I don't understand! But...I want go into this with a fine tooth comb. I don't want to lose all of my bristles. 

The thought of my Reality Talk live v-log was totally on my mind and I could not wait to do it on November 8. I also hope that we are all ready for it, and I hope that none of us mess during my live presentation. I want it to be perfect, but...nothing ever is. GOD and his son JESUS...pray for me, Sherri and Neyome to do a wonderful job and do our best to give a live Reality Talk v-log for our viewers on Facebook. 

My Redemption Of My M O T H E R

 Book 174

Psalms 49:8 - 8. For the redemption of their soul is precious, and it ceaseth forever.

Leviticus 25:52 - 52. And if there remain but few years unto the year of jubile, then he shall count with him, and according unto his years shall he give him again the price of his redemption. 

It's totally hard sometimes when a person like myself trying to find something to write about. I guess I can tell everyone what is on my mind that got me so curious about writing. I write to express what is on my mind. Now, I think I found something to talk about. I want to talk about my M O T H E R S upcoming birthday. She would of been three scores, ten years, and one year on the 23rd day of this month of October. 

I know that I want to celebrate my M O T H E R S life as she lived it. "A Legacy of Love." What else could I say about a woman who gave so much love? This is the reason why I want to celebrate my M O T H E R S life as she lived it. I went out to her gravesite days ago, because...I got a call from the memorial place called Sweet Dreams that designs tombstones; I did business with them almost four years ago for the design of my F A T H E R S tombstone. 

This British fellow by the name of Luke, called me to confirm that my M O T H E R S tombstone was ready to be installed at Antioch cemetery in Bealsville. I decided to stomach going out to the cemetery, even though I wasn't ready to go out to my M O T H E R S gravesite, because...her death was still fresh in my mind. My son Zachary, my niece Ta'Neisha, and I beat Luke out to the cemetery. As we pulled up to my M O T H E R S gravesite, I immediately cried out as loud as I could, because...the reality of my M O T H E R S death hit me very hard as I looked over at her grave. 

I kept staring at it like I could take my eyes off of her grave. I called out to my M O T H E R in my most deepest emotions. I kept crying out with a very hurtful cry. My heart was breaking with every ounce of strength I had in my body. The reality of my M O T H E R S death will never leave me for as long as I live. 

Then finally...I look over in the distance and saw Luke arriving with my M O T H E R S tombstone. I immediately moved out of the way so that he can prepare to place her tombstone. I proceeded towards my car and waited for Luke to set up everything he needed before I decided to walk back over to my M O T H E R S gravesite to watch him set her tombstone. It was a lot to assemble in setting the tombstone with the base and the actual stone itself. It took almost one hour for Luke to set my M O T H E R S tombstone, picture and all. 

 After Luke was finished setting my M O T H E R S tombstone, he took a picture of it (I guess) for his record of setting it up. I...came behind him and took four pictures of my M O T H E R S entire gravesite, tombstone and all. I cried once again knowing that my M O T H E R S grave had her name on it for all eternity. It was beautiful as she was and still is. I am never going to forget that I was there (even though I had to stomach being there at the cemetery) and saw my M O T H E R S tombstone set up and placed. I then shared the pictures on Facebook for everyone to see and observe. 

Dealing With Consequences And Repercussions

 Book 173

Galatians 6:7 - 8 - 7. Be not deceived; GOD is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. 8. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the spirit shall of the spirit reap life everlasting. 

Romans 6:23 - 23. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of GOD is eternal life through JESUS Christ our LORD. 

1 John 1:9 - 9. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

I find myself in deep thought about my M O T H E R and all the things I did to her when she was living. I know I'm reaping the consequences of my actions, and the repercussions on how I really treated her when things were so bad during a brief period of time in my life. M O T H E R tried to tell me some things to abide by and to take heed to, but...I would not listen to some of the things she warned me about according to what effect it will have on my life. I know that I'm paying for it and then some. My M O T H E R thought I hated her because of her outbursts towards me, being that she was just a old woman set in her way.  

I should of taken the fact to heart that my M O T H E R was just an old woman set in her way of things and I never should have been so hard on her. I had a attitude problem, I admit that! I needed to straighten that in order to be humble towards my M O T H E R when she had one of her outbursts. When I think of her, sometimes I just want her to argue with me about anything. That's how much I miss her knowing that I would never have the luxury of a M O T H E R in her mortal body again. I can only have her in spirit and in my memory. 

I can wish that everyone who still have their M O T H E R will treat her like a Q U E E N. I challenge that with everyone who still have their M O T H E R. It is a hard thing to go through life without my M O T H E R, because...she was the root of all things that mattered to me. I just miss her so much and I can't seem to come to reality of her death. That is a hard thing to do when it comes to having a M O T H E R who really have been there for me and my siblings through thick and thin and still...she landed on her feet when she got tripped up by anyone who would always keep her unbalanced. This is why the death of my M O T H E R is eating me up. With all the things I did in my past, it has come back to haunt me in a way it keeps me in tears. 

This is my season for reaping and sowing for my actions. I am suffering the consequences and the repercussions of my actions. This is by the rules and regulations of GOD when he wrote the Ten Commandments; the fifth commandment: Exodus 20:12 - Honor thy Father and thy Mother that thy days will be longer upon the earth in which the LORD thy GOD giveth thee. I now think about that commandment knowing that my M O T H E R and F A T H E R is not here anymore, it is instilled in my heart forever. It is a commandment that I would always abide by and learn from.

An Unfounded Dose Of Betrayal

 Book 172

Mark 11:25 - 25. And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any; that your Father also which is in Heaven may forgive you your trespasses

One day niece, you will know what it feel like to be betrayed by the one that suppose to love you unconditionally. One day niece, you will know what it feel like to be ignored when you call out to that person by their name and that person keeps walking away from you without listening to what you had to say to them and them without uttering a sound. One day niece, you will know what it feel like for you to want a hug and that person tells you that "they don't want that hug, or they don't want to talk to you, or they don't want you to touch them and they just walk out to door so full of resentment against you because...they found a indiscretion that you did that they didn't like." Understand niece, how it feels to be betrayed by the person you thought suppose to love you no matter what circumstances hit over the horizon. After all said and done, your eyes are so full of tears, because...you can't fathom the thought of what you did that was so wrong that person seem to carry so much hate. 

Yes...the facts are mutual that it is a love/hate relationship this person carries for you that you can't understand why they are doing this you when all you did was to love them with all of your might. One day niece, you are going to ask yourself, "Why did I do this to the one that loves me unconditionally without thinking twice." One day niece, you are going to imagine the thought of what you done to bring unhappiness, tears, and depression to the one who only want to reason with you when you said, "I didn't utter a greeting to you that morning, when it was obvious that you get the same greeting every morning you enter the front room. Now, it is time that I give you niece an ultimatum! How you carried yourself that morning was totally unfounded and it was betrayal to you've endured on me when all you would of received is love unconditionally. 

All this boils down to niece was all you had to do was to tell me my indiscretion straight forward and that indiscretion would of made a 360 to your satisfaction. All that could of been worked out accordingly if only you didn't have that kind of demeanor you had that morning. I didn't know how to come at you, because of this demeanor you carried so graciously. "It was scary to fathom how you were feeling that morning niece!" I will say this, "How you treated me as a elder...you had no right to treat me like that otherwise, because...I am a elder...and you treat your elders with respect." 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, you did not administer that thought. You just walked out the door in haste, and with that haste, you will reap the consequences and the repercussions of your actions. One day niece, you will know what that feel like to want love and you can't receive it. There was one thing I was told niece, and here is what I was told by someone that was also suppose to close to me when I had no one else to turn to but my self. "My daughter loves you very much!" 

Well here is my saying to the one that suppose to be close to me when I didn't have no one to turn to or to back me up when it comes to being decieved and betrayed. "If I was truly loved, everything I said in this post, would of never came to past." That's not love if a person ignores you when all you wanted to do was to talk to them and they keep walking away from you without listening to that word you had to say them; and what was so hurting, was that they tell you that say they didn't want a hug from you and that they didn't want to talk to you; and most of all...acted like they didn't want you to touch them and they walk straight out the door with that kind of haste is not love. That in itself is hate and it is total betrayal!  

The Pain Seems To Never Go Away

 Book 171

Revelation 21:4 - 4. And GOD shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

I don't think I will never get over the death of my M O T H E R as well as my F A T H E R. It is too hard to bare to even think about giving them up. I know in my heart that my pain will get better as the years go by without an ounce of forgetting that they were my parents. It is so hard on me when I heard that my M O T H E R had passed away for 45 minutes on that day of August 8. She was revived, because...the doctors and nursed did not have our permission not to revive her. I had wished that the doctor's and nurse's at that particular moment would of let my M O T H E R go so that she would not have any pain from her body hurting, or going through dialysis, no more sorrow, or crying again.

My sister Sherri, brother Wesley, and I needed to give that permission not to resuscitate our M O T H E R. That was the hardest thing that we ever had to do is to give that order. Sherri, Wesley, and I did not want our M O T H E R to suffer anymore than she had to. The order was given by my self to not resuscitate our M O T H E R, because...we as our own family unit did not want our M O T H E R to suffer. That was the reason when I went to the hospital that day on the 8th of August to make that decision to sign what took me ten minutes or more to sign those papers to remove the ventilator, the medicines that my M O T H E R  was hooked up to, and the compressors around her legs and arms. 

I did not want to stay and watch that after I signed the papers. I had the nurses assistant to remove me from the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) before they removed everything away from my M O T H E R, because...it would of been too painful to watch. I was on a journey with my sadness. I was wheeled in a wheelchair, because...I could not walk up to see my M O T H E R in ICU. I was wheeled all the way to my car and helped into it. My niece Ta'Neisha did the driving for me, because...I was not able to drive not even a little bit due to my grief. 

After the drive...I was met with Sherri, her husband Lorenzo, Wesley and his wife Neyome that day so that we all could wait for that phone call in grief about my M O T H E R S passing and to ask us what funeral home we wanted to place my M O T H E R in. That was so hard to do; it was hard on all of us to wait around for my M O T H E R S passing during the awful pandemic COVID 19 virus. It took only an hour after I came from seeing my M O T H E R in the hospital for the call to come through about her passing. My entire immediate family cried without the reluctance of shedding tears. Those tears were ever so real in our hearts for our M O T H E R. 

I would never forget that day of my family's grief. I was totally hard not grieve for the "Queen" who has given us so much love, so much comfort as my F A T H E R did as well. The pain will never go away from us no matter what we do or say. It will be hard to do even if Sherri, Wesley, and I and the rest of the family. I was only the start of a very long process for years to come.