The Pain Seems To Never Go Away

 Book 171

Revelation 21:4 - 4. And GOD shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

I don't think I will never get over the death of my M O T H E R as well as my F A T H E R. It is too hard to bare to even think about giving them up. I know in my heart that my pain will get better as the years go by without an ounce of forgetting that they were my parents. It is so hard on me when I heard that my M O T H E R had passed away for 45 minutes on that day of August 8. She was revived, because...the doctors and nursed did not have our permission not to revive her. I had wished that the doctor's and nurse's at that particular moment would of let my M O T H E R go so that she would not have any pain from her body hurting, or going through dialysis, no more sorrow, or crying again.

My sister Sherri, brother Wesley, and I needed to give that permission not to resuscitate our M O T H E R. That was the hardest thing that we ever had to do is to give that order. Sherri, Wesley, and I did not want our M O T H E R to suffer anymore than she had to. The order was given by my self to not resuscitate our M O T H E R, because...we as our own family unit did not want our M O T H E R to suffer. That was the reason when I went to the hospital that day on the 8th of August to make that decision to sign what took me ten minutes or more to sign those papers to remove the ventilator, the medicines that my M O T H E R  was hooked up to, and the compressors around her legs and arms. 

I did not want to stay and watch that after I signed the papers. I had the nurses assistant to remove me from the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) before they removed everything away from my M O T H E R, because...it would of been too painful to watch. I was on a journey with my sadness. I was wheeled in a wheelchair, because...I could not walk up to see my M O T H E R in ICU. I was wheeled all the way to my car and helped into it. My niece Ta'Neisha did the driving for me, because...I was not able to drive not even a little bit due to my grief. 

After the drive...I was met with Sherri, her husband Lorenzo, Wesley and his wife Neyome that day so that we all could wait for that phone call in grief about my M O T H E R S passing and to ask us what funeral home we wanted to place my M O T H E R in. That was so hard to do; it was hard on all of us to wait around for my M O T H E R S passing during the awful pandemic COVID 19 virus. It took only an hour after I came from seeing my M O T H E R in the hospital for the call to come through about her passing. My entire immediate family cried without the reluctance of shedding tears. Those tears were ever so real in our hearts for our M O T H E R. 

I would never forget that day of my family's grief. I was totally hard not grieve for the "Queen" who has given us so much love, so much comfort as my F A T H E R did as well. The pain will never go away from us no matter what we do or say. It will be hard to do even if Sherri, Wesley, and I and the rest of the family. I was only the start of a very long process for years to come.